Peter Piker The Pankin Man
by Ty Johnston

Once upon a time, long before the Brothers Grimm were a stain on their father’s leg and Aesop was selling tales three for a copper in Phrygia, there was a slothful kingdom in the southlands known as Marleybone.

The ruler of these vast lands was one King Rullo, the High Muckity Muck of All High Muckity Mucks.

For many years Marleybone had been a prosperous and happy country. The people did what they pleased and they wanted for nothing.

Then, over the years, the nation was overtaken by a slough of despond.

“We can’t have this. We can’t have this at all,” the good king said as he looked at all the mud clogging the streets of his country.

The king decided he needed to think things over, so he went to his royal chambers and sat and thought. And thought and thought.

Finally, three weeks and a few skipped meals later, the king came out of his chambers.

“My, you look awful thin,” Queen Magora said to her husband.

“Of course, I look thin,” the king said. “I’ve just spent three weeks thinking in my room.”

Then the king called a meeting of his royal court. Courtesans, troubadours, knights, wizards and jesters came upon the king’s calling.

“What may we do for your highness?” Merliwig the wizard asked.

“I’ve been thinking,” the king said. “We’ve got to do something about this slough of despond which has overtaken the country. I hereby appoint you to do something about it.”

The rest of the court had a grand time playing games and jousting and pulling tricks on one another while poor, unfortunate Merliwig had to figure out what to do.

The wizard retired to his quarters and spent a good deal of time thinking, though not nearly as long as the king.

Finally, the wizard Merliwig had an idea. He would call upon the Fates, known as the Parcae in those days and often confused with the Eumenides.

“Oh, hear me, great ladies,” the wizard said, pausing to cough once or twice because even in those days smoking was bad for you and wizards were always walking around puffing on one long pipe or another. “Hear me! Hear me! I call upon the three Fates known as Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos. Come to me and lend me advice.”

Not much happened. Some dust stirred in one corner, a rat continued chewing on the curtains, but the three Fates didn’t show up.

Merliwig decided to try something else. “Oh, hear me, great ladies, hear me! I call upon the three Fates! Come to me and lend me advice and I’ll drop in a few gold coins for your troubles.”

There was a big puff of smoke (Merliwig started coughing again) and some flames burst up from the ground (catching the rat and the curtains on fire) and suddenly three women appeared before the wizard.

“What do you want?” demanded demanding Clotho.

“We’re busy,” hacked haggy Lachesis.

“How much gold do you have?” asked anal Atropos.

Merliwig coughed for a few more minutes but eventually he got around to the point. “The kingdom of Marleybone is being overtaken by a slough of despond,” the wizard said. “There’s mud everywhere and you can’t even walk in the streets without ruining a good pair of shoes. The king asked me to do something about it. I’m asking you.”

The three great ladies thought things over for a while (but not nearly for three weeks), then they huddled in a corner and whispered a lot to one another.

Finally, they came forward with an answer.

“There is only one thing to do,” told terrible Clotho.

“You must go near the land of Pank,” mentioned menacing Lachesis.

“There you must find Peter Piker the Pankin man and his pal Worm,” spoke sour Atropos.

“Pank?” the wizard said. “Why, I’ve never even heard of such a place.”

“It’s not a real place,” said secretive Clotho.

“Though it is possible to get there,” declared delaying Lachesis.

“You just have to head north into the mulberry woods,” alleged allusive Atropos.

 

There was another puff of smoke and more fire raged throughout the room (the rat was already dead but the curtains took an awful heating) and the Fates were gone.

“I must say I’m quite confused,” the wizard said, noticing his money belt was suddenly much lighter, “but I guess there’s nothing to do but to start walking up the north road until I see mulberry trees.”

So the wizard started walking up the north road until he saw mulberry trees.

There he stopped and looked around, not knowing what he would find (except the mulberry trees, of course).

After sitting for a long time, a green worm about three feet long and as thick as a man’s arm crawled its way up to the wizard’s feet.

“Hello, there, wizard Merliwig,” the worm said. “I am Worm. I have heard you are seeking the help of myself and my pal Peter Piker the Pankin man.”

“That’s right, little worm,” Merliwig said.

“DON’T CALL ME LITTLE, YOU OVERBLOATED SACK OF SUET, OR I’LL TEAR OUT YOUR HEART AND EAT YOUR SOUL FOR DINNER!” the worm screamed, suddenly growing twice it’s size and baring fangs.

The wizard was frightened and almost called off the whole deal, but he became more comfortable when the worm changed back to its normal size and put away the fangs (they were retractable).

“I’m sorry,” Worm said, “but sometimes I’m a little touchy. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

“Um ... yeah, sure,” the wizard said, still comfortable but not too comfortable.

“All we have to do is sit here a little longer and then Peter will be along,” the worm said.

“Yup, whatever you say is fine with me,” the wizard said.

So they sat there a while.

A few days later along came a short, little man only three feet tall. He was dressed in lederhosen and wore a little elf cap with a feather sticking out of it.

“Hi, I’m Peter Piker the Pankin man,” the little man said.

“You don’t look like a piker,” Merliwig said.

“What do you mean, I don’t look like a piker?” Peter asked. “What’s a piker supposed to look like?”

“Well ... I mean, look at you. You’re only three feet tall,” the wizard said.

“So? What’s that got to do with anything?” Peter asked.

“Well, a pike is a big weapon,” Merliwig said. “They’re usually about seven feet long.”

Peter tilted his head and thought for a few seconds and then he said, “I’ve got real strong arms. It runs in the family.”

Merliwig still didn’t look convinced. “So, where’s your pike?”

“I left it at home,” Peter said. “That thing's seven feet long and heavy. What, you think I’m going to carry it around all day?”

Merliwig just slapped his forehead.

“You wizards ask a lot of questions,” Peter said. “Do you want my help or not? The Fates told me all about your problem.”

“Do you think you can help with the slough of despond?” Merliwig asked.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Peter said. “I’m cleaning up sloughs of despond all the time. It’s practically a hobby of mine.”

“What is your price?” the wizard asked.

Peter looked down at his pal Worm. “What do we normally charge for a job like this?”

It was Worm’s turn to think, but he quickly said, “The mud. We get all the mud.”

Peter looked up at the wizard. “That’s your price,” he said. “We get to keep all the mud and do whatever we want with it.”

“Well, I don’t know ... ” the wizard said. “That seems kind of expensive to me.”

 

 

“Look, bud, take it or leave it. I got kingdoms all over the place wanting me to clean up their sloughs of despond. Heck, I got two jobs to do in Lindisfarne alone,” Peter said.

The wizard didn’t have to think this time. “Okay, we’ll take it.”

“Good, good,” Peter said, “then show us the way to the mud.”

They turned south and walked back to the kingdom of Marleybone, singing songs all the way.

Once they were in the main city, Peter and his pal Worm seemed delighted to see all the mud covering everything.

“This is great, this is just great,” Peter said with a big smile.

“What’s so great about it?” Merliwig asked.

“Worm likes the mud, y’see,” Peter said. “He likes to eat it.”

“Eat it?”

“Yeah, I said ‘eat it,’ ” Peter said. “That’s how we get rid of all the stuff. Worm eats it.”

Merliwig raised one eyebrow and looked at Worm.

SLURP SLURP SLURP and all the mud was gone from in front of the cook’s house.

“You ready to go to it?” Peter asked Worm.

“Yeah yeah yeah,” Worm said.

“Then let her RIP!” Peter yelled.

With that, Worm was gone. He was like a lawn mower, a lawn mower that sucked up mud. He was so fast he seemed to be in three or four places at once

SLURP SLURP SLURP and all the mud was gone from in front of the baker’s house.

SLURP SLURP SLURP and all the mud was gone from in front of the candlestick maker’s house.

“I see he has things well under control,” Merliwig said to Peter.

“Oh, yeah, he loves the stuff,” Peter said. “He hasn’t seen this much mud in weeks.”

“With that, I think I’ll be off to tell the king,” Merliwig said.

“Whatever,” Peter said.

So Merliwig the wizard went to the palace to inform the king that Peter Piker the Pankin man and his pal Worm were cleaning up the slough of despond that had terrorized the country for so long.

“It sounds as if you’ve done an excellent job,” said King Rullo.

“I tried my best, your majesty,” said Merliwig.

“In that case,” the king began, “I will have ­”

“Your majesty, your majesty!” a page yelled, interrupting.

“Yes, what is it, page?” the king asked.

“It’s terrible, your majesty!” the page yelled (he liked yelling).

“Come, come. What could be so awful?” the king asked.

“The mud,” the page yelled (again), “it’s all gone ... and it’s been replaced.”

Merliwig and King Rullo looked at one another.

“Replaced?” Merliwig asked.

“Yes,” the page yelled. “It’s been replaced by worm dung!”

Merliwig fainted and fell to the ground, hitting his head on the rock steps that led up to the king’s throne. His head burst open and all kinds of gooshy stuff came out, but the wizard lived. He never again remembered directions to the privy, but he lived.

“This is ghastly!” the king said. “Our wizard can’t remember his way to the privy!”

Several members of the king’s court were on hand and they looked at the king with astonishment. Those on foot looked too, but not quite with astonishment, more like mild shock.

“What about the worm dung?” the page asked, still yelling. “What will we do?”

“Call out the army! Call out the navy!” the king shouted. “We’ll take care of this Peter Piker and his pal Worm!”

The army found Peter Piker and his pal Worm sitting in a tavern called “The Busted Gutt” and drinking ginger root ales after a hard day’s work.

The army was about to invade the tavern and kill Peter and Worm but Peter said the next round was on him, so all the soldiers saddled up to the bar for their free beers. That’s when Worm grew twice his normal size and his big teeth poked out and he bit all the soldiers’ heads off.

The navy showed up next, but once they saw what had happened to the army they decided to call it a day.