SolSpot
Theme Parks—an
Alien FAQ
Thank you for visiting SolSpot Universe.
With five theme parks to choose from, everyone will find something
to enjoy on our Martian fun colony no matter how “special” you
are. These parks are similar to those on Earth, but are attuned
to interstellar tastes.
Dining questions
Q: Will I find food for my tastes?
A:
Certainly. We have dozens of alien restaurants, some of which
discriminating humans frequent.
Here is an important safety tip: Non-avian bipeds, especially
human bipeds, are never food. We hope our Orionian friends
will be understanding about the plight of fowl in this solar
system. Please note that Earth fowl are not sentient. It would
be easier to herd cats than Earth fowl…no offense to the Piscean
Catfolk.
Q: Will I be mistaken for food?
A:
Not if you’re wearing an interstellar I’m Not Food! badge, available at no cost at every kiosk. The very tasty-looking Fizzens of Procyon B-2 should be especially vigilant about wearing these badges. Note: we abhor the consumption of Fizzens, but if you must, they’re
very good with Thai red curry sauce.
Q: I heard SolSpot Animal Universe has great restaurants. True?
A: Yes, but please note that the park
is not itself a restaurant. In this park, please limit your
dining/feeding to registered restaurants, signified outside
by fork, spoon, shovel and bucket emblems.
Questions of Commerce
Q: I’m
a Farbungee…
A: Enough said. SolSpot Universe Interworld Corporation owns exclusive marketing rights for all food service, merchandising, entertainment, transportation, lodging and gaming facilities at all SolSpot Universe theme parks. All unauthorized marketing, sales or gaming on SolSpot premises is strictly prohibited. Unrelated safety note: there are no Earth laws forbidding the extermination of pesky space aliens.
Q: I was orbiting
your planet…
A: No, we do not need maps or photographs of our parks from space. Thank you. But please send detailed maps of your planet to: EarthDefenseLeague@earth.gov.sol
Q. I’m not happy. How can I get a refund?
A. First, exit the park. Goodbye.
SolSpot in the Spotlight
Q: Does the DinoSols park sell dinosaurs?
A: We are insulted by this question. We do not trade in species* and never will.
*ever since the Interstellar Court’s
injunction of last year.
Q: Where are the $*&!% whales, Earthling?
A: To our profane and excitable Trevarian friends who are still suspicious that Earth no longer has whales, we say, SolSpot Seas is the venue for you. You will be gladdened to see that Earth has at least two live whales**. You will be allowed to poke the whales in the ribs*** to prove they are real.
**on Mars
***may have fatal consequences
Q: Where are the robot presidents?
A: Their show business days are over, sadly, and are now doing important landscaping work in the parks.
Q: I just saw Innovations:
The Road to Someday…Put your hands up!
A:
This venue is for entertainment only. It should
NOT be used for assessment of the defense profile
of Earth. Be assured that Earth Defense League has a competent
defense force whose full capabilities were not revealed in
this venue. Constructing an invasion plan of this star system
based on Innovations: The Road to Someday would be foolish
and doomed to a humiliating defeat. You don’t want to be on
the wrong end of our Corbomite Reflector, pal.
Q: I used to have more limbs…
A:
Earthlings like to stress their bodies to the point of “hurling” at
Space Thrill. This venue is NOT recommended for our alien friends
with upper limbs or appendages
greater than one standard meter in length, which tend to gyrate
uncontrollably and snap off like pretzels, increasing our cleaning
costs.
Q: I’m from Phanan Korrom III and I’m
not taking it any more.
A: We feel
your pain. The comic figure Klactoo’s resemblance to your Emperor
Skanzzk in the SolSpot Space Cadet venue is entirely coincidental.
SolSpot Universe
considers Emperor Skanzzk almost a friend, as are all its subjects.
We suggest that you get over it.
Q: We micefolk are not taking it anymore.
A:
Princess Solarella’s Emerald is a fantasy
of girlish dreams fulfilled. SolSpot Universe does not endorse
indentured servitude or the transformation of micefolk into
equinefolk. Furthermore, we think rodents are as intelligent
as any other vermin.
Q: Arghh! Ye robbed me blind, matey.
A:
Blimey, you’ve seen Pirates of the
Solar Seas, right? SolSpot Universe does not endorse piracy
of any kind. We do not mind sticking our hands into your pocket,
however. Arrr!
Q: I just saw Rock ‘n’ Sol Theatre
Starring Aerosmith…
A: Yes, the Aerosmith musicians are Earthings, except for Steven Tyler, of course.
Q: Beauty and the Beast…I just don’t
get it.
A. Many of our valued alien visitors are puzzled by this Earthly trope. The key to understanding this drama is that the female human is Beauty, not the hairy ape-ish-looking fellow.
Romance note: Earth women are frustratingly
particular about the evenness and oddness of various body parts
of their paramours. If your arms or eyes are odd-numbered,
for example, you’re barking up the wrong tree. However, Earth
men are indifferent in these matters.
Working for the Devil
Q: I have three or more fill-in-the-blanks. Will I frighten your Earth children?
A: Yes! Thank you! If you are very special, please visit our scariest venue of all, Human Resources (forgive the anachronism), for possible work-for-hire at Critters!, the fantasy venue designed to frighten and entertain Earth children.
Q: Do you need any mercenary soldiers?
A: We are an entertainment company. Of course we need mercenaries. You should be capable of battling sharks, vampires and zombies (attorneys, agents and angry customers).
